Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional and psychological abuse that can be devastating to the victim. It occurs when an individual with narcissistic traits or a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) uses manipulative behaviors to control, belittle, and undermine their partner, family member, or even a friend. While narcissism is often associated with grandiosity, self-centeredness, and a lack of empathy, the impact of narcissistic abuse goes far beyond just "being selfish." This form of abuse can create deep emotional wounds, often leading victims to feel confused, isolated, and powerless.
What is Narcissistic Abuse?
Narcissistic abuse occurs when someone with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder uses tactics like manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional neglect to control or degrade others. At its core, narcissistic abuse thrives on power dynamics where the narcissist seeks to maintain control over the victim, often to feed their own inflated sense of self-worth. Victims of narcissistic abuse typically experience a combination of emotional distress, cognitive dissonance (feeling torn between conflicting beliefs or realities), and trauma that may last long after the abuse has stopped.
Key Characteristics of Narcissistic Abuse:
Gaslighting: This term refers to manipulating someone into doubting their own perceptions and reality. Narcissists often twist facts, deny things they’ve said or done, and insist that the victim is imagining things or being too sensitive. Over time, this erodes the victim’s sense of self-trust.
Love Bombing and Devaluation: In the early stages of a relationship, a narcissist might overwhelm the victim with affection and attention—also known as “love bombing.” However, this behavior is often short-lived, and once the victim is emotionally attached, the narcissist switches to devaluing them, belittling their self-worth, or becoming emotionally distant.
Emotional Manipulation: Narcissists use guilt, shame, and fear to manipulate their victims into doing what they want. This might include tactics like silent treatment, emotional blackmail, or playing the victim to gain sympathy and control.
Projection: A narcissist might accuse the victim of the very behaviors they are engaging in, like being selfish or dishonest. This not only deflects responsibility from the narcissist but also makes the victim question their own actions and intentions.
Isolation: Narcissists often try to isolate their victims from friends, family, and support networks. They may create division between the victim and others, making them feel as though they are alone and unsupported.
How Narcissistic Abuse Happens
Narcissistic abuse typically unfolds in a cyclical pattern that makes it difficult for the victim to escape. Here's how the cycle usually works:
Idealization (Love Bombing): In the beginning, the narcissist may act charming, affectionate, and attentive. They shower their victim with praise and affection, making them feel special and deeply loved. The victim may feel an intense connection and excitement, believing they’ve found their soulmate.
Devaluation: After the initial phase, the narcissist begins to change. They might criticize, belittle, or dismiss the victim. The love bombing stops, and the victim feels confused and hurt, often trying to "win back" the affection or approval they once received.
Discarding or Abandonment: In some cases, the narcissist may abruptly end the relationship or withdraw completely, leaving the victim to feel abandoned or rejected. This abandonment reinforces the victim’s sense of insecurity and dependence on the narcissist.
Hoovering: After the discard phase, the narcissist may attempt to re-enter the victim’s life, using a combination of charm, apologies, and promises of change. This is called “hoovering,” and it’s designed to suck the victim back into the cycle of abuse, ensuring that the narcissist maintains control.
These phases may repeat several times, leaving the victim emotionally exhausted and uncertain about their own worth or even left questioning reality.
Effects of Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse can have long-lasting effects on a victim’s mental health. The emotional and psychological toll can manifest in various ways:
Anxiety and Depression: Constant emotional turmoil, confusion, and self-doubt can lead to chronic anxiety and depression.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): The psychological trauma from prolonged exposure to narcissistic abuse can result in PTSD, with symptoms like hyper-vigilance, nightmares, and emotional numbness.
Low Self-Esteem: Over time, the victim may internalize the abuse and come to believe that they are unworthy or incapable of being loved.
Difficulty Trusting Others: Having been deceived, manipulated, and controlled, victims often struggle to trust others, even in healthy relationships.
How EMDR Therapy Can Help Treat Narcissistic Abuse
Healing from narcissistic abuse requires both time and therapeutic intervention. EMDR therapy can help victims process the trauma, rebuild their sense of self, and learn healthier ways to cope with the emotional aftermath.
Here are some ways EMDR therapy can help treat victims of narcissistic abuse:
Reprocessing Events: For individuals who have experienced long-term abuse, trauma-focused therapy, such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), can help process the trauma associated with narcissistic abuse. These therapies can reduce the emotional charge of traumatic memories and allow individuals to move forward with a sense of empowerment through targeting negative beliefs about self.
Skill Building: Preparation for reprocessing is just as important as the reprocessing itself. Preparation can look like teaching skills such as distress tolerance, emotional regulation, assertiveness, or boundaries.
Psychoeducation: Psychoeducation on narcissistic abuse and how it impacts victims is key to building a solid therapeutic foundation. Understanding triggers, window of tolerance, and how trauma is stored in the brain is key to beginning EMDR therapy.
Setting Boundaries and Building Self-Esteem: EMDR Therapy helps victims of narcissistic abuse learn how to set healthy boundaries in their relationships and rebuild their self-worth. This process often involves learning to assert one’s needs and recognizing when relationships are toxic or abusive.
Conclusion
Narcissistic abuse is a serious and often hidden form of psychological abuse that can have long-lasting effects on a person’s mental and emotional well-being. Recognizing the signs of narcissistic abuse is the first step toward healing. EMDR Therapy is a vital tool for survivors, offering a space to process trauma, rebuild self-esteem, and learn healthy coping strategies. If you or someone you know is struggling with narcissistic abuse, seeking professional support can help break the cycle and reclaim control over one’s life.
Authorship: This blog was written by Erin Ziegelmeyer, LPC. She focuses on supporting clients, particularly women, with complex trauma histories, attachment wounding, and abuse, using EMDR and IFS-informed EMDR.
Disclaimer: The information in this blog is provided for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for mental health care nor a recommendation or endorsement for any particular treatment plan, organization, provider, professional service, or product. The information may change without notice. No claims, promises, or guarantees are made about the completeness, accuracy, currency, content or quality of information linked. You assume all responsibility and risk for any use of the information.
The Willow Space for Trauma Treatment is an outpatient, trauma-focused therapy group founded by Joe Woodbridge and Erin Ziegelmeyer. We specialize in helping adolescents & adults struggling with traumatic responses and disorders of all kinds, including post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and complex post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), attachment wounding, and relational trauma. We provide therapy to address symptoms such as anxiety and phobias, depression, low self-esteem, grief, panic, and dissociation. We offer ongoing support as well as EMDR intensives; both of which are informed by IFS, EMDR, DNMS, DBT, CBT, Polyvagal Theory, attachment theories, and developmental theories, among other therapeutic principles.
Comments