Feeling Re-Connected: How IFS-Informed EMDR Therapy helps and provides clarity for adoptees

IFS-Informed EMDR therapy can help adoptees overcome relational struggles specific to adoption, including repairing attachment wounding, building self-confidence, and creating secure attachment within relationships.

For individuals who have been adopted, the way we experience relationships with others can be complex. Adoption as the experience of being relinquished by one’s birth parents is stored in the body’s automatic nervous system (connected to our amygdala; our brain stem) as an attachment wound (basic emotional needs not getting met) rather than in the cognitive part of our brain (the pre-frontal cortex; top of the brain). These attachment wounds can affect our ability to connect (or attach to) with our own identity, in relationships with others, and the way we experience the world around us. When the threat of abandonment is activated, we can sometimes react as if we are going to be relinquished all over again, even if that isn’t what is actually happening. As an experiential therapy approach, IFS-informed EMDR therapy helps adoptees work through the stored experience of that relinquishment in the body rather than verbally process the experience from the narrative of the mind. 

IFS-informed EMDR therapy is an innovative approach that blends two powerful modalities: Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). Here’s how the trauma-focused modalities of IFS and EMDR therapy is viewed: 

Internal Family Systems (IFS)

IFS is based on the idea that our minds are made up of different "parts," each representing different aspects of our personality and experiences. These parts are often categorized into:

• Exiles: Parts that hold painful, unresolved memories, often related to trauma or unmet needs. These parts also hold negative beliefs such as, “I’m not good enough”, or “I’m not wanted”. These parts are wounded and want to be seen but are also afraid to be vulnerable. Adoptees typically have an “infant” or very young part that was relinquished that tends to be activated in close relationships. 

• Managers: Protective parts that try to keep the person safe by managing emotions and behaviors. These parts are more proactive and think “I need to” or “I have to” do ______ in order to avoid feeling the pain an exile holds. Managers tend to be burdened with roles they are doing but may not be “serving” the individual; oftentimes managers are in conflict with us. Adoptees often have people pleasing parts and parts that struggle to trust others. 

• Firefighters: Parts that act impulsively to distract or numb emotional pain. These parts are more reactive and react strongly in ways like abusing substances, disordered eating, self-harm, or self-sabotaging in close interpersonal relationships. These parts tend to be misunderstood and stigmatized; shame follows firefighters and restarts the cycle of emotional dysregulation, leading to the urge to distract and numb emotional pain again. Adoptees are more likely to engage in self-destructive ways to numb these painful feelings and struggle with maintaining healthy relationships.  

  • Furthermore, adoptees might have parts that hold the pain of feeling abandoned, rejected, or confused about their adoption experience. Some may have parts that work diligently to protect them from re-experiencing the painful feelings of abandonment and rejection. Just because an individual was adopted does not mean that all parts of them were adopted; some parts may feel left behind in the past. By identifying and working with these parts, IFS helps individuals achieve self-compassion and connect with the parts that have felt left behind within the individual. 

  
  

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

EMDR is a trauma-focused therapy designed to help individuals process and heal from distressing memories, particularly those related to trauma. It uses bilateral stimulation (often through eye movements) to help the brain process traumatic memories and integrate them in a healthier way. EMDR works by targeting specific memories and helping the person reframe those memories, reducing emotional charge and providing relief. 

For adoptees, EMDR can be particularly helpful in addressing the core trauma stemming from early separation from their caregivers, which is a form of attachment wounding. The use of bilateral stimulation can help to process these unresolved emotions and allow for healthier coping mechanisms. EMDR can help bring the unfelt emotions to the surface that language may not have been formed to put into words, which can bring relief for many adoptees who feel as if they have struggled to “talk” about their experience. 

Combining the IFS-informed approach and EMDR for Adult Adoptees

When these two trauma-focused approaches are combined, here is a brief overview of what to expect:

• Identify Parts: We use IFS techniques to identify and understand the various "parts" of the individual that hold pain or negative beliefs related to their adoption experience. These parts may hold fears of rejection, abandonment, or shame and often are experienced as beliefs such as, “I am not good enough” or “I don’t belong”.

• Target Trauma: Through EMDR, we target specific memories of trauma or distress related to adoption, such as feelings of being abandoned, rejected, or neglected. The bilateral stimulation helps the brain process and reframe these memories.

• Building Internal Strengths & Safety: Through IFS & EMDR, we will identify internal strengths and resources already within you and build on these to increase internal strength and the safety needed to move into reprocessing of the traumatic memories.

• Healing and Integration: Working through reprocessing memories in EMDR helps parts to release old beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve them. For example, the "manager" parts that are trying to protect the individual from feeling abandoned might become less active or reactive, and the person may begin to feel more integrated and self-compassionate.

• Restoration of Attachment: Forming secure attachments can be a significant area of healing for adoptees that tend to struggle with interpersonal relationships. Through IFS-informed EMDR therapy, adoptees can experience healthy attachment & bring more security into personal relationships, the relationship with themselves, and perceive the world around us differently.

How does IFS-informed EMDR therapy help adoptees?

• Clearer Identity: Adopted individuals often struggle with questions about their identity, belonging, and family dynamics. Who a person is may not be who they could’ve been if they hadn’t been adopted, and the adoptive family may be unconsciously placing their expectations onto the adoptee. IFS-informed EMDR therapy helps bring clarity to who the person is and not who they could’ve been.

• Increased Connection: Many adopted individuals carry deep emotional wounds related to abandonment. These wounds are activated in relationships and can be hard to just “talk” or “think” our way out of. By processing these experiences in IFS-informed EMDR, they can learn to accept themselves and heal the pain of rejection or loss and improve attachment to Self and others. It can enhance our ability to form healthy, secure relationships with others including our families, romantic partners, and friends. Connection is one of the “8 C’s” of Self in IFS.

• Enhancing Self-Compassion: Many adoptees struggle with feelings of unworthiness, shame, and guilt. Because of it’s non-pathologizing approach, IFS-informed EMDR therapy welcomes all “parts” of the person and allows us to build relationships with these parts of ourselves.

• Breaking Negative Patterns: IFS and EMDR together can help break negative patterns of behavior, such as numbing, abruptly cutting off relationships, and avoidance of uncomfortable emotions. Adoptees can learn the ability to manage emotions effectively and how to have healthier reactions in relationships.

Adoption is a complex experience that affects identity, relationships with others, and the way we experience our place in the world. Any approach in working with adoption must go beyond a traditional “talk” based modality of therapy because adoption is an experience stored in the body, not just as a memory or belief. Acknowledging the role adoption has played in the life of the adoptee is a critical first step in the healing process. Many adoptees may discount adoption as an attachment wound due to lack of curiosity from others, having a positive adoptive family experience, and not knowing or remembering the relationship with the biological family. The process of doing IFS-informed EMDR can be an intensely emotional experience for an adoptee; however, it can also be a powerful and transformative experience resulting in more clarity, perspective, and wholeness. 

Authorship: This blog was written by Joe Woodbridge, MSW, LCSW. He is the co-founder of The Willow Space for Trauma Treatment, LLC. He is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) in Pennsylvania, EMDRIA Approved EMDR Consultant & Certified EMDR Therapist. He has received advanced training in IFS-informed EMDR therapy through the Syzygy Institute (an EMDRIA approved provider of advanced EMDR training programs) and acts as a practicum facilitator (Guide) for the Syzygy Institute, assisting the trainers and workshop participants. Joe has personal experience with navigating the complexities of adoption as he was adopted at 4 months old. His experience of being adopted gives Joe a unique perspective as a means to connect with other adoptees to help aid in making sense of their adoption experience. 

Disclaimer: The information in this blog is provided for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for mental health care nor a recommendation or endorsement for any particular treatment plan, organization, provider, professional service, or product. The information may change without notice. No claims, promises, or guarantees are made about the completeness, accuracy, currency, content or quality of information linked. You assume all responsibility and risk for any use of the information.

The Willow Space for Trauma Treatment is an outpatient, trauma-focused therapy group founded by Joe Woodbridge and Erin Woodbridge.. Located on the Main Line of Pennsylvania in Paoli, we specialize in helping adolescents & adults struggling with traumatic responses and disorders of all kinds, including post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and complex post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), attachment wounding, and relational trauma. We provide EMDR and IFS therapy to address symptoms such as anxiety and phobias, depression, low self-esteem, grief, panic, and dissociation. We offer ongoing support as well as EMDR intensives; both of which are informed by IFS, EMDR, DNMS, DBT, CBT, Polyvagal Theory, attachment theories, and developmental theories, among other therapeutic principles.